Tag Archive: Happiness

From my life, I’ve always felt that something was missing. I wanted to just live like everyone else, to make things easier on myself. But living that way made dreaming impossible. I’ve had a hard time falling asleep because there’s so much more to think about. I talk to people, but that’s not enough. I end up having conversations with people about everything, but then I keep having new ones in my head about new and exciting everythings and each aspect needs to be explained because something is missing. This same thing that’s missing is why is started Zedu and Wizard Seed in the first place. Something needed to change. People needed something else to connect, to help them understand in ways that are greater than words.

I’m dying in box of my own volition, expanding and going no where at the same time. That makes life a struggle for survival. To survive I have to eat; I have to sleep. I can’t just go outside without clothes. So you see there are things I have to pay for. As ugly as I am, I need cloths to appease other people’s sensibilities. I live in a place where the weather is nice all year. As cold as it gets, here it never drops below freezing. I have to spend money on clothes and money on things to clean them. They only get dirty because I’m alive. A lot of times, I’m sure life would be easier if I was dead, not suicide, just, not alive, dead but alive, maybe a ghost, or a vampire. Don’t like my sanity? Why is the opposite so appealing? I can write about simple things and complicated things and make them invert. Simplicity becomes beautifully complex like the way a bee’s wings move through the air making it disproportionately large body lighter than air. Complex things seem simple like the actions in the brain. Still, why do you prefer the things that are so toxic in high doses? It’s so passive, so uninvolved: it’s porn from where I stand, so ugly once you’ve had your fix, and yet — you still come back, to read some more. I wandered through my dreams once. You’ll enjoy this story though you’ll never dream it yourself. Are you sure you still want to read? As I wandered, I wanted to have a conquest in my youth. My dreams do come true when I sleep. I passed up the first few I saw, and then I spied a woman, tall and slender with an elegant stride. The kind you’re not imagining for the words are enough. They satisfy your need for noise. Her hips rolled as she walked but ever so slightly. I could just grab her and make her mine. Just listen to that echo throughout your mind, “Grab her and make her mine”, over and over again. You’ll never see it because you’ll never dream. The noise just echos. It makes it hard to heal. The sound drowns all the voices that tell you how to love.

Big Steps

I’m awesome. Maybe It’s just me. Probably is. I’ve received more than a few hurtful comments over the years, online and off. This is the first time I’ve been able to listen to them. Suddenly everything just kicked in. I’ve been using up so much of my mental ability just holding out all the things people have told me that I didn’t want to respect because there was either something wrong with the person telling me that I discovered, In some cases there was something wrong with the system that propagated certain ideas, and in other cases I just didn’t want to listen.

I’ve recently posted a long essay (a moderately good one but nothing that would win any awards, just something I kind of barfed out like I always did with my writing.) I went through something different that I’m not used to and haven’t gone through since I liked a girl and couldn’t control my feelings.

I liked this girl in highschool. Something I really couldn’t do anything about. The same thing has happened a couple times before and after, but this one I handled particularly terribly. Because of it, my parents sent me to a psychologist. The government had some kind of program that lets siblings of dissabled people get some kind of psychiatric help.

Since then, I got the “help” I “needed”. I was “cured”. I was able to deal with problems and girls didn’t have to file formal complaints with any department after that. I think that’s the moment my life started to stagnate. I started getting better grades. I started trying to be better, but despite this, I set me forward with a larder set of problems that I really hold dear to me as the foundation for the guy that I am.

I was surrounded then by well-intentioned, happy-ish people. These people kept telling me things. Still It never fixed the underlying problems. Maybe if I kept going back to expensive sessions, I would be able to function better, but I detest this notion, especially because I am not a danger to anyone around me and I am more than capable of finding the answers myself.

Still, I was still going nowhere. My friends were at colleges with scholarships. I had better grades than they did. I didn’t really apply, so I can’t hate them for going to college that I didn’t want in the first place. Following my heart made it harder to find advice because very few people go down this road.

I’ve written something that I think is my best work, something could probably get me a scholarship, or something that could win me some kind of award. It’s the kind of thing that I’ve been trying to create for the past five years. Now that I have I want to share it.

It’s long though. I’d like to sum it up. Your feelings work as a guide. When you get lost it’s because your feelings are not based on your surroundings and the feedback you get. If you base your feelings on the intense emotions you get while trying to get a response with a consistent effort you put forth (something like finding a job, meeting the right person, becoming president, changing the world, or being a better person) whatever response you get, you can use your developing creative potential to turn it all around. If you don’t like the bear breaking through the wall, then just change it so the bear knocks at the door.

People are so adamant in the way that they approach life and the things that stimulate them usually produce the same results, as long as you are you, you will get to see the results of what you change and get the chance to figure out what makes you actually happy. The things that elicit the strongest emotional response will be things that you should listen to even if they make you sad or angry. As long as you work to produce the best results and the happiness of all involved instead of just habitually reacting to the emotions that you experienced based on how other people react, you will move to a better world with the kind of attributes you had in mind, like happiness, success, or power and control.

Time To Be Free

I’ve found the secretes that the mind holds. You may question where to look. That very reason draws you here. You look for clues as to how to make things better. The strange irony you fail to see is in the very name itself. I have warned that asking will yield no results. Yet, people ask anyway hoping for a simple solution. The solution itself is simple. It is not something you’ve missed. The solution is in your feelings.

You spend life anchored to your house, to your car, to your job, to your street. You hardly know why. These things are to ground you, to keep you from floating away as you grow and expand. So you’ve been here for quite some time. You haven’t yet figured it out and you’re worried about everything.

The older I get, the more I worry. The more I worry, the more I am stuck to this way of life. Thankfully, being stuck lends itself to my freedom, as it does for yours. The more stuck you are the freer you can become. Just let yourself remember the things that lend to your understanding. If you see a word, let the meaning come forth.

I’m here at my computer. This blog is something I thought that I’d never do, but as I’m getting older (18 years old), I’m starting to realize all the problems with the world. With the exception of supernatural events ignoring how intertwined our minds are with the parts of the universe that create supernatural events, humans are the cause of all that is wrong with the world (or at least all that makes my life less livable as i get older).
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