I’m awesome. Maybe It’s just me. Probably is. I’ve received more than a few hurtful comments over the years, online and off. This is the first time I’ve been able to listen to them. Suddenly everything just kicked in. I’ve been using up so much of my mental ability just holding out all the things people have told me that I didn’t want to respect because there was either something wrong with the person telling me that I discovered, In some cases there was something wrong with the system that propagated certain ideas, and in other cases I just didn’t want to listen.

I’ve recently posted a long essay (a moderately good one but nothing that would win any awards, just something I kind of barfed out like I always did with my writing.) I went through something different that I’m not used to and haven’t gone through since I liked a girl and couldn’t control my feelings.

I liked this girl in highschool. Something I really couldn’t do anything about. The same thing has happened a couple times before and after, but this one I handled particularly terribly. Because of it, my parents sent me to a psychologist. The government had some kind of program that lets siblings of dissabled people get some kind of psychiatric help.

Since then, I got the “help” I “needed”. I was “cured”. I was able to deal with problems and girls didn’t have to file formal complaints with any department after that. I think that’s the moment my life started to stagnate. I started getting better grades. I started trying to be better, but despite this, I set me forward with a larder set of problems that I really hold dear to me as the foundation for the guy that I am.

I was surrounded then by well-intentioned, happy-ish people. These people kept telling me things. Still It never fixed the underlying problems. Maybe if I kept going back to expensive sessions, I would be able to function better, but I detest this notion, especially because I am not a danger to anyone around me and I am more than capable of finding the answers myself.

Still, I was still going nowhere. My friends were at colleges with scholarships. I had better grades than they did. I didn’t really apply, so I can’t hate them for going to college that I didn’t want in the first place. Following my heart made it harder to find advice because very few people go down this road.

I’ve written something that I think is my best work, something could probably get me a scholarship, or something that could win me some kind of award. It’s the kind of thing that I’ve been trying to create for the past five years. Now that I have I want to share it.

It’s long though. I’d like to sum it up. Your feelings work as a guide. When you get lost it’s because your feelings are not based on your surroundings and the feedback you get. If you base your feelings on the intense emotions you get while trying to get a response with a consistent effort you put forth (something like finding a job, meeting the right person, becoming president, changing the world, or being a better person) whatever response you get, you can use your developing creative potential to turn it all around. If you don’t like the bear breaking through the wall, then just change it so the bear knocks at the door.

People are so adamant in the way that they approach life and the things that stimulate them usually produce the same results, as long as you are you, you will get to see the results of what you change and get the chance to figure out what makes you actually happy. The things that elicit the strongest emotional response will be things that you should listen to even if they make you sad or angry. As long as you work to produce the best results and the happiness of all involved instead of just habitually reacting to the emotions that you experienced based on how other people react, you will move to a better world with the kind of attributes you had in mind, like happiness, success, or power and control.